Have you ever?

You ever wanted to scream but refrained from doing so because you knew no one would hear you? 

Have you ever just needed a ear to listen but you knew they wouldn’t understand?

You ever wanted to fight or beg, but you knew you’d never be stronger than your component because it’s just not in your nature? 

Have You ever thought a small problem would go away if you just didn’t feed into it & stayed positive, but over time it’s the same damn problem, maybe even worse? 

You ever wanted to give up on everything but you knew giving up would be worse than staying?

Have You ever wanted to cry but you knew no one would comfort you? 

You ever wanted to smile but you knew people would try to bring you down?

Have You ever not been loved the right way for so long that you love & allow others to love you wrong? 

Ever been hurt in ways you never could imagine? 

Have Ever came last in a person’s life you put first? 

Ever been so obsessed with love you ignored how much it hurt?

Have you ever craved love from a person who just wasn’t capable of loving you back?

Have you ever?

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Suicide prevention!

IT’S REAL… being so depressed or hurt that you neglect the feel to live. Humanity is set up to criticize & expand the problem instead of being determined to solve them. Classifying it as cowardly or weak, not realizing the help one may need. Different personalities respond different to certain situations & different people’s problems are labeled with different explanations. For example, ethnicity, it determines if your depressed or just crazy. So we hide behind an imitated smile to avoid what others may say. 

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The pills were so frequently that the effects stopped working. Could no longer sleep the pain away I was still hurting. 

The sight of blood was never calming, as some may say. Neither was it a way to make the pain go away. 

It was being able to control the amount of pain I inflicted upon myself. The thought that only I could hurt me & no one else. 

Red blood bled through the white long sleeve shirt, that was intentionally. But Agony became worse when no one paid attention.  

Self harming became turbulent, the whispers & stares surpassed the silent. I learned to hide it so good you’d swear it was a talent.  

Hidden talents go undiscovered & what’s surreptitious don’t get fixed. The thoughts of suicide came next on the list. 

To show how it played out, I have cuts & not a coffin. People do survive the urges but not very often. 

Be a listening ear that’s understanding.  You can’t look at a person & automatically tell what’s going on, but still don’t be the one to expand it. . . I just felt like speaking on it. 

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Suicide prevention number 

Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday “In the U.S., suicide rates are highest during the spring. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 to 24-year-olds and 2nd for 24 to 35-year-olds. On average, 1 person commits suicide every 16.2 minutes. Each suicide intimately affects at least 6 other people.”


Updates

Hello my readers 😚 I’ve been kind of m.i.a lately. I miss blogging I just can never seem to find the time to do so anymore. But, Every Sunday after this Sunday I’m going to blog. 

UPDATES:

KIDS: My babies turned 4 & 5 last month. They refuse to stop growing. One of them started kindergarten & the other started pre-k. My youngest is upset that they attend different schools. He said his school is for little people, he’s big & want to go to big people school with his brother. 

HUSBAND: He’s an owl now…sleeps during the day & up all night. New job, New schedule, & it’s game season.  

MYSELF: I started my fall semester, I’m taking 6 classes this time& I switched my major again. ( good thing all the classes I’ve already took Are the classes I need for my new major as well.) I have not done yoga in about 5weeks now😒 anatomy is kicking my ass. Staying up on my kids work & my work. Volunteering at both of their schools, being a wife, trying to find time to go on a vacation & I’ve gained about 6lbs. 

We’re all adapting to changes. But we’re great! Write you guys sunday, next sunday😊😚

Seeing the movie “IT’ today 🎈

Unconsciously hypocritical?

Homosexual –a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex.

That term make you feel uncomfortable? 

Not me, in fact I USED to identify myself as bisexual. I’ve had homosexual friends and i even have a few homosexual family members. Preferred sexual orientation doesn’t determine whether you’re a good person or not.

Point is I’m a liberal person. I don’t judge based on color, likes, appearances, or sexuality. My discernment is based on what’s in a persons heart. I’m not a homophobic person.. .at least to a certain extent I’m not.

That extent is parenting. Hypocritical?

Humanity have inculcated in us that homosexuality is standard. We accept it, but it doesn’t mean that we’re obligated to instill it into our youths. As a mother to boys I tend to shield them from anything that can be muddling to their character. Homosexuality is one of those things. 

I read a blog recently titled “I want my daughter to be gay“. To sum it up,  it was about a homosexual couple that felt it is only right that their daughter is homoerotic as well.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and everyone is entitled to have an opinion towards others opinions. My opinion is that raising a child to be homosexual is witless and selfish. Its complete fuckery!

Firstly, I will always love my kids regardless of any decisions they make. My husband and I are raising our kids a certain way and I trust that we’re doing an awesome job. Eventually the little boys we’re upbringing will grow up to be men. At that point we can no longer shield them from certain knowledge.  however, what I will not do is inaugurate their innocent minds to homosexuality. God forbid it, but if that was the path one of them took it wouldn’t be because of over exposure from us. They dont see it and we dont discuss it. My job is to keep them untainted for as long as possible. 

I dont have a problem with it… As long as my kids aren’t around it. Some may say that Makes me a hypocrite, I say I’m just a mom. I’d never put hate in kids hearts for certain people& neither do I have it in myself. I just refuse to introduce them to it.

what are your thoughts on this? 

My birth control experiences

 I hear so many horror stories from people about birth control. While all birth controls have pros & cons everyone body react different to certain types of birth controls. 

My husband and i have decided to wait a little longer before we have anymore little humans 😊. I refuse to believe that the pull out method would be a success for us and Condoms are just to uncomfortable. So, birth control it is.

  The first form of birth control I ever used was The pill. 

I was 18 & I had just given birth to my first son. I’m not really sure what was the brand of the pill, but I’m pretty sure they all have the same effect.

The pill contains hormones that thickens mucus on the cervix stopping ovulation. No ovulation means no eggs for the sperm to fertilize. No fertilized eggs = no pregnancy. Most people problem with the pill was forgetting to take them. Not mine! My problem was that sick feeling I got from taking them. So did the pill work for me? Maybe, I wouldn’t know, because after the first 2 weeks to avoid taking them I hid them in the trunk of husbands car & told him I misplaced them.  The pill wasn’t for me. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my second son. A year afterwards I tried a different type of birth control. A Contraceptive Implant. 

The brand was Nexplanon. Just like The pill , the Nexplanon released hormones that stopped sperm from getting to your eggs… The pill is oral medicine that you must take daily while the nexplanon was diffrent. 

Its a small rod shaped piece of flexible plastic ( about the size of a toothpick but a little shorter) Thats inserted in your arm. During my insertion the area was numbed with some type of numbing cream, so that part for me was completely painless. However, I did have a huge hideous bruise. That birth control lasted me for 3 years. Bad thing was over those three years I experienced extremely long &heavy menstral cycles ( 3mnths non stop bleeding) & would only be off for about 2 weeks before my cycle came again. Good thing is I didn’t have any other side effects & I didnt get pregnant. Still, The nexplanon wasn’t for me. After it expired I decided to try an IUD. 

The Mirena. The mirena prevents pregnancy the same way the pill and the nexplanon do. Difference is the Mirena is put inside your uterus. 

I haven’t had it long to give much feedback. The insertion was terrible. I didnt take any pain meds before so the cramps while it was being put in to about 2hrs later felt like labor contractions. The only side effects I’ve had so far is more cramps. Also I can’t sleep & I’m extremely emotional. However Im not really sure if that’s an effect of the birth control or not. Its going on two months & the closest I’ve gotten to a period was really light spotting for about 3 days. Maybe the mirena is for me 😊

I’ll keep you updated.

Feel free to share your birth control experience below 😊

Anonymous

For a minute it was ambiguous, but suddenly it became crystal. I was expecting for you to give me something you was never given. You couldn’t & at times you’re still oblivious. I call it a clan curse. I carried bitterness in my heart because thats what I was dealt. As for these seeds I’m upbringing it’ll be a feeling they never felt. I’ve chosen to cease the curse right here with myself. 

For all you’ve done & given, I’m blessed & appreciative. Including the pessimism, the criticism, & all the negativity. It was my motivation. The impulse to want to prove it wrong became my dedication. To you I give all props, it turned me into this lady. However, sometimes I’m still perturbed by the ignorance of certain situations.

Those leaking wounds that got me scrutinized were my cry outs for help. Even after voicing my voice I still fought it by myself. They say you only get one so appreciate it while its there. I left it anonymous cause I don’t hold you accountable I’m just trying to clear my air. 

God said to forgive …. But I don’t recall the word forget. However, I wish I could cause I don’t remember the last hug, I love you , or kiss. Shit sounds so basic & I wish it was that simple. Hurt became so habitually, I even learned to fake a dimple. Never investigated the tears  that fell from my eyes. even when you was forced to know you still called them lies. 

Incapable of turning my frown into a smile. If in need of comfort, I craved your support. Even with the lack of enthusiasm I still aimed to make you proud. Self taught to break a curse I won’t pass it to child. 

Used to be timid & secretive. Now I’m candid & expansive. “What happens in this house stays inside this family” that shit right there got me withdrawn from that family. If I deliberately decline mine signs of distress that would be the death of me. Again, you’re appreciated, you taught me the mom not to be. 

I’m gone do for you what you failed to do for me. But first, Tell me …. Did you want to but you just didnt know how to be? … Regardless, Ima be there even if that’s not what you want from me. The grudge I held is gone I couldn’t let it get best of me. I’m gonna continue to be the best I am & even tell you I love you sincerely . 
                                               

                                                     πŸ˜˜

To be fearless

Ever notice how courageous kids are? My three year old (Daniel) jumped off the bed today & hurt his leg. When I asked him why would he jump knowing he would get hurt he said,  “because me want to be a dinosaur bird & dinosaur birds fly” rash but still so brave & inspiring. He’s a smart kid so he’s aware that he can’t fly but he was determined to be a dinosaur bird & he didn’t let the fear of pain or a broken limb deter him from spreading his wings. 

this is Daniel… Daniel is a risk taker… Be like Daniel πŸ’™πŸ˜„

Fearless or brave?

Fear is inborn. In fact one who lacks fear is a great danger to themselves. Think about it… What keeps you from walking in front of a moving bus? Fear! Most people see fear as a weakness but fear is actually what keeps us safe. Your amygdala processes fear & send signals to the body warning it of danger. Fear may happen in response to a specific stimulus occurring in anticipation of a future threat to your body or life. Without fear people would endure more pain. If you’re aware of a threat that something may cause to you or your life your amygdala did it’s job.  Congratulations you’re normal (well at least brain functioning wise) you’re not fearless… So now let’s be brave beyond our fears.

What have you always wanted to do but let fear get in your way of doing so? 

Forever I have pushed so many things to the side because of fear. Growing up no one really pushed me to be the best me I could be. Everyone around me was the same. Their good wasn’t my perspective of the best it was just the definition of survival & surviving wasnt satisfying enough to me. I wanted to live! No one told me to follow my dreams or that I could do or be anything I put my mind to. No role models to look up to just my thoughts that were out of my environments box. I wanted to skydive, I wanted to go out of space, I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to ride a elephant but most of all I wanted to be happy, loved & successful. My fear wasn’t in these things, but in the thought of failing because it was so common around me my whole life. I had brainwashed myself not to even try. The older I got the more I wanted to try regardless of me failing. Today I have accomplished a lot more than I could have ever imagined, did things I never thought I’d be able to, I even been a few places when I never even imagined I’d see anywhere else besides my home town. 

I’m not fearless… Even to this day I still fear failing but I will never let that fear stop me from trying. I’m being like Daniel…. BRAVE

Don’t let fear stop you from succeeding 😘